I Was Willing to Lose Money, but Afraid to Spend It on Life

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how strangely I treated money in the past.

When I was betting on the crypto market, I didn’t mind putting in ₱50,000.

When I entered the stock market, another ₱50,000 didn’t feel impossible either.

Throughout my crypto trading, I lost around ₱70,000 to ₱80,000. Over ₱150,000 in my risky career in betting on things that sparks curiosity, until now.

I never earned a single cent from crypto.

Only losses.

I also made emotional decisions in the stock market—buying, selling, and reacting because of fear, excitement, and the desperate hope of recovering what I had already lost.

I was aggressive when it came to risking money.

But when it came to spending money on trips, personal needs, or my family?

Suddenly, I had to think twice.

Sometimes three times.

And honestly, that doesn’t make sense.

I was willing to throw large amounts of money into things I didn’t fully understand, yet I hesitated to spend on experiences that could give me memories or strengthen my relationships with the people close to me.

I know what it feels like to receive that dopamine hit from trading.

You win a little and suddenly feel intelligent.

Then you lose.

You convince yourself that the next trade will recover everything.

So you put in more money.

Then you lose again.

At some point, it stops becoming investing.

It becomes emotional betting.

You aren’t making decisions because you understand the market.

You’re making decisions because you’re desperate to erase the regret of the previous decision.

And that desperation can become expensive.

Sometimes I still think:

“I could have bought a powerful computer with that money.”

I could have invested it in filmmaking.

I could have funded my projects.

I could have supported my startup.

I could have traveled.

I could have spent it with my family or created memorable experiences with friends.

Instead, I chose trading.

And the money disappeared.

That thought still hurts sometimes.

But I can’t return to the past and redirect the money anymore.

It’s gone.

The only thing I can do is make sure the lesson stays.

Those losses weren’t completely meaningless.

They increased my tolerance for risk.

They taught me what emotional decision-making feels like.

They showed me how greed, desperation, and the desire to recover losses can control a person.

Most importantly, they helped me understand what I actually care about.

I don’t care enough about staring at charts.

I don’t want to spend my life guessing whether a number will rise or fall.

I care about building things.

Creating things.

Solving meaningful problems.

Supporting people I value.

And making memories with the people who matter to me.

Those are the things where I should be putting my resources.

Starting today, as I write this, I want to make a promise to myself.

I will not return to betting money on things I don’t fully understand or genuinely care about.

I won’t place money somewhere simply because I’m hoping it will multiply quickly.

I will focus my resources on the things I truly believe in.

My dreams.

My projects.

My skills.

My health.

My family.

My friendships.

And yes, part of that means learning to spend money.

Hahaha.

Not carelessly.

Not impulsively.

But intentionally.

Because money isn’t only meant to be protected or multiplied.

Sometimes it is meant to be used to make life better.

I can’t recover what I lost.

I can’t buy the computer I could have bought back then.

I can’t undo the emotional trades.

But I can move forward.

I can make better decisions in the coming days.

I can spend less on gambling disguised as investing and more on the life I genuinely want to build.

The past already took its payment.

Now I need to make sure I received the lesson.